Spy Bird Kids?
by Mrs. Fang
Summary: Dobby, the elf from Harry Potter is James Patterson's new assistant, and wants to do a great job. He believes the MR novels will be even more successful if they take the enemy--Twilight--down. To do so, he sends Max and Fang into the Twilight book.
1. Prologue

**Okay so I've been reading a lot of Twilight and MR humor fanfics. I got a bit inspired :) Aaaand, you have no idea what happened. First read the chapter, cause I'll spoil it if I tell you.**

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**Prologue**

Dobby has had enough of Twilight. He needed to make things perfect for his master, James Patterson. _What's so awesome about it anyway?_ He thought to himself. How could such a meaningless… ridiculous story make it _this_ big? At least bigger than _his _boss's stories. He needed a plan, and he needed it now. If it all worked out and took some enemies down, maybe, just maybe would he get a sock for Christmas. First of all, he required to know what was so appealing about Twilight. He could read the story, but he had too much of an ego to do so. He would _not_ swallow his pride. Second, he needed to know about the plots in the series. Maybe he would _then_ teach JP how to come up with better ones, and how _not_ to leave gazillions of plot holes. And last, he needed to exterminate the characters! So there would be no more Twilight! The thought of this made him laugh bitterly. But for his plan to come through, he would need _his_ own OC's. Okay, not his own OC's, but his boss's. Which happened to be out of town at the moment. Dobby was in charge now. Whenever JP left, _he_ was the man in the Maximum Ride headquarters.

"Maximum… Fang!" Dobby called.

"What's up, Dobberz?" Max entered the room, licking an ice cream cone. Fang was next to her, silent. I know, Fang? Silent? Well _that _doesn't happen every single day.

"Please, step into my office," Dobby said, turning his rolling chair so he would be facing the bird kids.

"I need you to do something for me." The elf smirked, as he rubbed his hands together. Fang rolled his eyes.

"Dobby, we _cannot_ do anything about Malfoy, okay?" Fang whined. Yes, Dobby had been rancorous about his past experiences with _Harry Potter's_ Draco Malfoy. "We can't _exterminate_ him, remember what happened last time we tried?" Fang uttered.

The three people in the room had a flashback of that time Max, Fang, and Iggy came back from the Harry Potter books. Max holding Fang in one hand, he had been turned into a cupcake by Hermionie. And Iggy had a snake replace his hand. Don't worry, it wasn't venomous, though.

Dobby shook the thought away. He glared at Fang, with an eye brow raised.

"Silence, Fanglebert!" he exclaimed. Fang's expression turned confused, and Max just roared into laughter.

"Fa—Fangle, Fanglebert!" she said between gasps for air.

"Since when is my name _Fanglebert_?" Fang gazed at James.

"Since I said so, as long as I am _the_ man here, you will be called Fanglebert." Dobby proclaimed.

"James should have thought of something longer for your name, like Fanglebert, for example. It's impossible to talk to you as an authority. Max, on the other hand, you can call her Maximum Ride, and it sounds more dramatic." The little guy put the tips of his fingers together, and stared into space as he said this. Max snickered at Fang and shrugged as if saying, 'I don't know what the _h_ this guy's talking about.' Fang shuddered.

"Dobes, can we _please_ stick to 'Fang' for now?" he pleaded.

Dobby nodded, "For now."

"Anyway, back to business. You will listen and do as I say so, you hear me?" Dobby said to the bird kids.

You're probably thinking something like: "Hey, but can't these two kids take Dobby down like, in a punch?"

Yes, my dearest reader, they could do that, actually. If James hadn't had Jeb and the white-coats make Dobby as strong as them. Not to mention, he's got magical powers and stuff, oooh. Okay, where were we?

Max threw her cone in the garbage. "Or else what?" She crossed her arms and frowned at Dobby.

"Or else, no more Faxness in the next books!" Dobby retorted, as he picked up the phone, ready to call JP. The couple of bird kid's mouths suddenly shaped like an O. They both gasped.

"You wouldn't! You can't!" Fang pointed at the tiny creature. The latter raised his eyebrow.

"Oh, yes, I can." The mutants rolled their eyes at the "man". He began speaking into the phone, "Yes… Uh-huh… I'm telling them sir, but they just don't seem to understand… uh-huh… yeah-huh." He pressed the speaker button as he stared expression-less at Fang and Max. A voice came from the machine, "Maximum… Fang! Do whatever Dobby says until I get back, if I hear the slightest complain, there will be no Faxness in the Sky is Falling! So if I were you Max, I'd get to work if you don't want to see some 'Frigid' action."

Of course, Max would never let _that_ happen.

"Fine! What now, Dobe-dork?" Max groaned.

"Hey! Watch that mouth, Maximum!" Dobby said in his squeaky voice.

He proceeded to tell his OC's about his evil plan. I mean, his boss's OC's.

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**Okay, maybe It wouldn't have** been a total spoiler, or a bit of a spoiler, lol. But I originally wrote the story with James in the office. The whole Dobby thing was at the last minute. You see, it was about 2:30 in the morning when I realized the site wouldn't let me put him in the story -.- I discovered this once I read the Guidelines, yes, for the first time. I'm sorry, it's just that I'm used to always "agreeing with the terms of service" So when it said that you had to "Read and agree with the Guidelines" or whatever, I was like "Yeah, yeah, I agree, dude." So I rewrote it with Dobby taking JP's place in about 10 minutes and finished at 3:00 am. I even had an "I am your father" joke ready and all :( Stupid Guidelines. *pouts* Okay, so if the Dobby stuff sucks, you can go visit my blog on Max-Dan-Wiz, where the original story is, with JP in it. Oh, and yes, I do know JP actually did participate in the story, but just a little bit, so I'm hoping they'll let that go *crosses fingers*

**REVIEW!! REVIEW REVIEW!** Or else! No more Faxness in the next books! :O

**Everyone:** *gasps*You wouldn't!


	2. Fang tends to get caught

**HEY THEAAH! I'm really soryy, I know it's been a looong time since I updated. But my reasons are reasonable:) I wasn't near a computer for more than a week. Actually, ever since I posted the prologue, I've been no were near a computer -sighs- Oh well, back to business! Thanks to the reviewers, btw ;) -puts sunglasses on- you rock, homies! Okay, so here's chapter 1. Hope you like it. R&R!**

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," Edward murmured, looking into Bella's breath-taking brown eyes. Actually _not_ so breath taking, since Edward didn't need to breathe.

" What a stupid lamb," Bella sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," he replied.

What Bella and Edward didn't know was that they had an audience, who were now behind the bushes, spying on her and her beloved.

"Max, what the hell? I don't see any lambs around here," Fang scanned the space around him and Max, trying to find a trace of these animals.

"Or lions. What are these dudes talking about? And what's with the intense paleness of the guy? I bet he's so white, Iggy could see him," Max whispered back.

"I know, and by the way, he looks like he's about to devour that girl. Look at him, the hunger in his eyes…" Fang said.

"Oooh," Max answered mockingly. She slightly tickled Fang's belly as she said this.

"Come on, Max, I'm serious. I mean, watch! He looks like Gazzy when he's in front of Snickers bars!"

Fang's simile made her laugh. "Good one."

After a few seconds, Fang uttered, "Ya know… It's a good thing JP got Jeb to implant these mind-protector things on us. It'll save us from this guy's mind-reading, _and_ Angel's."

"Let's hear it for science!" Max cheered sarcastically.

The bird kids continued on their mission, catching almost every detail about what was going on. Randomly, Edward Cullen put Bella on her back and ran at the speed of light through the forest.

"What the… Where'd they go?" Fang asked.

"U and A, Fang."

After saying this, the mutants rose up and into the sky, they looked down, examining the woods as they tried to find the white guy and their idea of his "snicker bar".

"Ah, there!" Max pointed below. In a few seconds, the couple of kids had landed, using bushes as their cover once more.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost—no, you're as white as _me_!" The bird kids found Edward saying.

"I think I should have closed my eyes," Bella answered.

"Remember that next time."

"Okay, am I missing something here? What do you get if you're the whitest?" Max wondered, confused.

"I don't know, a ride on the guy's back?" her right-wing man guessed.

Max seemed lost in thought for a few seconds.

"Hey, Fang, we should totally do something like that, like organize a competition or something, whoever wins can fly with us! You know, us carrying him or something, I don't know."

Fang's eyes narrowed. He opened his mouth to talk, but was interrupted by a melodious voice.

"Hey! Who's there?"

"Shit," Fang whispered under his breath. He turned around and met Edward Cullen's gaze, next to Bella's confused face.

Fang felt his heart stop for a few seconds, and then it began to beat faster and faster. His eyes widened so much, Max thought they might pop out. Something that would probably impair the situation. Fang turned to look at Max, who was still kneeled down behind the bush, and just as alarmed as him. But they had to do something, Edward and Bella were waiting for an answer.

"Well? Who _are_ you people?!" Bella demanded to know.

Max was still looking at Fang as she stood up, then slowly shifted her view to the vampire and the girl.

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**R&R?!! PLEASE&THANKYOU!**

**~Mrs. Fang**

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	3. Hormones

**Heyyyy there:) Mrs. Fang here. So I know it's been a while since I've posted about this story. But Chapter 2 is here! Yaay!**

**So how many of you have had uncomfortable conversations with an adult? I know _I_ have. A few days ago, I took my 7 year old brother to**

**the park. We were sitting on the swings, and a teenage couple was sitting in the other swings in front of us, which were about 10 ft away. Both me and**

**the girl in front were with a boy, the sad part was, the boy next to me was my little brother not a boyfriend. So then a**** couple walks by,**

** with a baby in hand. I turned to my brother and said,"Awww, look at that little baby! Isn't he cute?!"**

**With that stupid voice we all make when we see something adorable. But my brother's only response was "Where do babies come from?" **

**And so, thanks to both couples who were in the park, and my little brother, I got inspired to make this new chapter. ENJOY!:)**

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Max's POV

What in God's name was I going to tell this people? "Umm, I…uh, I… I-umm," I stuttered. Before anything else happened, Edward was already standing behind me. He lowered his head.

"Say it!" Edward whispered in my ear.

"Whoa, easy there, cold dude!" I quickly put myself next to Fang and intertwined our arms.

"Say it out loud!"

"We're here for a school project," Fang finally blurted out. Edward and Bella turned to look at each other. Each raised an eyebrow.

"I'm Fnick and she's…" Fang turned to me, expecting me to say my name.

"M-Marlene" I don't like it that much, but it's the first thing that came to my mind. I think I saw Fang's lips twitch a little, trying to hold giggles back. I didn't say my name because we all know there's absolutely no point in telling someone your real identity if you're an undercover bird kid spying on them.

Fang seemed to regain composure. But our spying targets still looked a little skeptic.

"And why would you be spying on us for your project?" the girl asked.

"Because it's about… umm…" Fang tried to come up with something.

"Hormones! I mean, you two are a teenage couple. So we were just… registering a teenage couple's behavior," I finally said with a triumphant smile. But that gave everyone a concerned look.

Fang looked at me as if saying _What the hell?! Hormones?!_ But I just shrugged in innocence.

"Wait here," Edward ordered. Fang and I nodded.

The cold one (that's how I've heard they call him, isn't that sad?) and Bella took a few steps back. They were whispering, nodding, shooting glances at us every now and then. But while this happened, Fang and I needed to find a way to redeem our tiny slip. Which was getting caught spying on these people.

"So… hormones it is," Fang said a little stern.

"Oh _come on_, Fang. It's not like you came up with anything better." I crossed my arms.

"Whatever, that doesn't matter anymore. What we need to worry about right now is how we'll keep this "school project" thing going to get what Dobby asked for."

"Well it's going to get a little hard breaking into the Cullen's house…

I cocked my head. "Now that they've seen us."

It turns out there actually is something that will end with the vampires' lives. But it's top secret, not a soul knows about it. Except of course, the Cullens, but they have no soul. Do they? Anyway, somewhere in the house are hidden 7 jars, one for each habitant of the Cullen residence. Each jar contains a few milliliters of blood for each vampire. I know what you're thinking. Blood? But, Max, vampires _have_ no blood! Well they don't now, but they did when they were human, when they were mortal, and weak. Weak compared to what they are now. Okay, so the way this blood affects their living, or lack thereof, is the following. When vampires are bitten, a part of them from their past life as a human must be kept alive in order for them to live as well. But the blood could only be in the dark. If it was exposed in any way to sunlight, it would die, and so would the owner of this vital liquid. It's somewhat ironic. Since the actual vampire's effect when exposed to sunlight is sparkling but in this case, the blood does… well, the opposite of that. So all we needed to do was find these freakin' jars and bring them out on a hot, sunny day. _How did we know this?_ You may ask. As we said, Dobby told us. _How did he know?_ Don't ask, he's the one who knows magic. It's all a tad sickening. We all know Fang and I are exactly the type of people who want to go here and there exterminating other characters.

"Let's just play it cool, Max." Fang loosened his shoulders and began rolling them back and forth. He shook his legs, arms, then twisted his neck. He looked like a boxer warming up or something.

"Yeah. Whoo! Play it cool," he repeated. Fang can be scary sometimes.

"Okay, okay. Let's just relax," I said, trying to stop him from shaking and twisting.

"Here they come now. Remember, play it cool."

Edward and Bella walked over to us. They looked a lot less uneasy.

"What do you say you come over to Edward's? We'd totally be able to help you with your project. Whatever it takes to keep you two kids from spying on us."

"There's a lot of people back home who could help. My dad's a doctor, he'd help quite much," Edward said.

A free ticket to the Cullens' house. Now Fang and I were the ones who looked at each other, and raised an eyebrow. We turned to see the couple. I was certain we had smirks on our faces. And by the way, "Quite much?" Yeah, you could tell the guy was born in the early 1900's.

"That'd be great," Fang said.

"Thanks a lot," I added.

"Okay. So, should we go now?" Edward suggested.

"Let's," My partner and I said in unison.

As we were about to start hiking to the vampires' house, Bella stopped abruptly, and shifted her gaze to us. "One more thing… What's with the wings?"

I thought every swear word I could. How the hell could I forget? How could _Fang_ forget? He's the one who usually solves these things. And guess what? He did.

"We like to use costumes!" Fang laughed nervously. Somehow, I was laughing now too.

"Why?" Edward asked. He looked confused.

"Because…" Fang began.

"It puts us in the mood for homework!" I exclaimed. Damn it, I need to learn how to lie. Scratch that, I need to learn how to make things up.

Bella shrugged. "I've never heard of that before. But maybe I'll try it sometime." She smiled at us ear to ear. I was beginning to think she was one of those airhead girls, but I thought those were blondes. Anyway, we kept walking until we got to our destination. The way there was kind of weird, though. Edward kept shooting hungry looks at Bella. Was he horny or something? Ew. Really, if we actually were making research about hormones, we'd know plenty by now. And Fang, he just kept giggling and twitching. Until I told him to get a grip and slapped him. He thanked me for it. Fang was weird today. Hormones I guess. So we got there and Edward introduced us to everyone. There was Alice, who I labeled as a ballet-dancer type. She was effin' gracious. Compared to us, it was like we were Erasers with patched wings. Then there was Jasper, who had his eyes a little too open. If that's possible. He was a bit robot-ish. Rosalie, who I could tell, hated everyone, except Fang and I. Edward said it was because she had a thing for children. But still, she only looked a few years older. Emmett, who reminded me of the jocks I saw when I went to an actual school. Esme, who was about a head shorter than me. Finally, Carlisle, who Fang and I decided to call "Doc". He spoke slowly, which made me very impatient. Fang and I looked around the place, registering all the exits and routes in our heads. Bella and Edward told them about or "school project" situation. Esme invited us to sit at the living room, we accepted, and everyone gathered around us. It was like we were their shiny new toy.

"So, Fnick and Marlene… You need to learn about the birds and the bees, huh?" Carlisle broke the silence.

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**Marlene... beautiful name! lol. jk. No offense to any Marlenes out there! Or blondes! They aren't airheads:) Well, not all of them...**

**Lol, Thank God I never had that talk with my parents. Somehow, they know that I-somehow-know all about it. My friends are great influences...-thumbs up-**

**However, when we get those talks at school, for some reason I just want to burst out laughing. My mom says it's because I get nervous. Oh well...**

**Anyway, who cares about that? I tend to talk too much :) PLEASEE PLEASE R&R! Or I'll have to have a talk with you... jk.. R&R&R&R&R&R!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**~Mrs. Fang**


	4. Fnick: The Peruvian Child

**Hey ppl :) So Chapter 3 is here, I know I don't update very often but I promise I'll start posting this things a lot sooner...**

**So this chapter is a little more serious, if there are any Faxness lovers here, I'm sure you'll like it. But I assure you ppl all the**

**randomness will be back for the next chapter. Okay, so, here goes nothing...**

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Fnick: The Peruvian Child

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FANG'S POV

I felt both our bodies stiffen. Max and I turned face to face. I could almost hear the words again "the birds and the bees, huh?" I felt my eye ticking. _Not again, _I thought. Before we could answer Carlisle, Max whispered so low, what she said was only audible to me.

"Fang! Not the ticking again!" But I noticed her eye began to do the same as mine. I started chuckling, which then rose into laughter.

"Y-your eye's just like mine."

"What?! Is this freakin' contagious or something?" Max wiped her eye over and over with the tips of her fingers ineffectually.

"Oh, ticks!" Carlisle said, as if finally realizing something.

"A common symptom when kids your age are about to have…" He made air quotes, "_The talk_."

My mind set into place, remembering what the Doc had just said.

"NO! No, no no no! We don't need any talk about birds and bears!" Max argued.

"You mean birds and _bees_?" Carlisle corrected.

Max shook her head, wanting to get off the subject. "Whatever! Not the point here."

"Besides, isn't the person you have that talk with supposed to be qualified for it? As in he or she has to be your parent or someone you trust?" I questioned.

"Well, I'm a doctor. How more qualified could I be?"

I passed my tongue through my teeth and turned to Max. "He's got a point, Marlene.

She was just staring at me, looking like she wanted to hit something. She narrowed her eyes.

"Fang! Not helping." I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, okay! Doc, we already had that talk, thanks for your concern. But we were more interested about… I don't know, stuff like the Pituitary gland." How the hell did I know that?

The chief vampire gave us an understanding smile.

"Sure, Fnick, I comprehend what you are saying, son," he said bit by bit. His slow talk was really starting to piss me off.

"Tis a shame, though, that I have to leave tomorrow morning for a medical conference in Alaska, and it is getting quite late for us to be discussing about all of nature's wonders going inside your pubescent bodies!"He was right, it was getting late. I could tell it was getting the dark, since there were glass walls.

" You'd be more than welcome to stay with us until I came back. But I am assuming you have a school to attend, among other responsibilities."

_No! We can stay! So we take those jars and exterminate you all! _I felt like yelling.

"Uhh, No… Actually, we _can_ stay. Because we…"

"We're homeschooled! So, we can reschedule our classes. Oh, and we're brothers, just so you know" Max pointed out. She was getting better and better with the whole making-up stuff. Isn't she great?

The jock vampire chimed in. "I'm sure you've heard this before, but…" Emmett took a strand of Max's hair, holding it close to his face, "you don't _look_ like brothers."

"Yeah, well, Fnick here…" Max punched below my shoulder and pointed at me with her thumb, "He's adopted."

I'm sure I heard a few gasps.

"Really? Oh my God! I've never met anyone adopted before," Alice spoke. She leisurely began running her hands through my hair. "You poor baby," she whispered, and gently kissed my temple, which made me shiver. Poor baby? What was so wrong with being adopted? Max coughed the awkward moment away and held my hand. "Right," she said. I turned to look at Jasper, which was supposed to be Alice's… boyfriend or something, but Alice's actions seemed to have no effect on him, he still had his eyes about to fall off the cavities in his face. Everyone seemed to not even notice what had just happened.

"So, then where are you from, Fnick? I mean, you don't _look_ American." Rosalie interrupted my thoughts. I turned to Max for help, but she kept scowling at Alice.

"Uh, I'm from… Peru." I smiled to reassure. As I said this, I noticed Max wasn't grimacing at Alice's "coming on to me" and looked like she finally got over it.

"Yeah, you know how people are adopting kids from third world countries these days!" Max waved her hand back at the fact and laughed as the Cullens joined her chuckling. I narrowed my eyes.

"Yeah, that name of yours, _Fnick_ sounds foreign. Do you know what it means?" Esme tried to stop giggling.

"It means… the brave one," I said gravely. For a split second the crowd of people surrounding me looked at me seriously, but suddenly burst into laughter.

Whatever, they could laugh all they want. We'll see who's laughing their asses off when I have their stinking blood-full jars in my hands. It was sad to acknowledge that we'd eventually have to kill them, even though I was their joke of the day, I was starting to like them. Except Alice, whose hormones are hot for me, (sorry, I had to say it.) I turned to Max, who had now stopped laughing and was looking at me deeply. She smiled as our eyes met and mouthed, "I'm sorry," since she wasn't even audible with all the ranting going on. I just shrugged and grinned back.

After 5 minutes of being the "strange foreign kid," Max and I faked a call home to supposedly tell our parents we were sleeping over at our new friends, the blood-sucking vampires' house. Yeah, right, like any normal, children-loving parent would let their kid stay over at a stranger's house they just met couple hours ago. But these dudes somehow fell for it. Weren't they thirsty for _our_ blood? I eventually asked internally. Do we really stink that bad?

_And_, hasn't Edward wondered why he can't read our minds? I discussed this with Max when no one was around, and she suggested we'd contact Dobby about it later. We had a lot of questions, which needed an answer _pronto_.

MAX'S POV

While I talked to Fang about all our questions, sweet little mommy- vampire, Esme, made a bed for both Fang and I to sleep on. It made me nervous to know us bird kids would be sound asleep like little babies, while the Cullens were wide awake, possibly hungry. But now, there was nothing I'd rather do than get some sleep. We said our goodnights to everyone in the house, me making sure to keep a distance between Alice and Fang. Really, _everywhere_ I went there was somebody else throwing herself at him. Esme tucked us in, giving each of us a motherly kiss on the cheek. She reminded me of Dr. Martinez, which I was starting to miss, along with the rest of the flock and Ella. Remembering them kept me from sleeping now. After Esme left the room, it didn't took long for me to turn to Fang , whose back was facing me.

"Fang?" I called quietly. "Are you awake?"

"Yep," he said facing me now. He held his head with the palm of his hand, his pillow supporting his elbow. I imitated his position. It was a pretty night. Every five minutes a darker curtain of light seemed to roll down the sky and with it a greater contrast between glimmering moonlight and night's obscurity. Fang's back was facing the crystal walls, enabling the coming moonlight to illuminate his face. His face's features could barely be seen in such darkness, but I know mine were, since I was facing the crystal walls.

"So, you think we'll be able to do this?" I asked.

"Sure, we will," he said with his sudden smiles I love. "I mean it's all for… you know, us" He smiled again, "Faxness." Fang laughed softly, "This is getting too corny."

"Extremely," I agreed.

"But Fang there's too many people dying for this." This whole thing sounded so stupid and mushy.

"Oh, please. Those vampires have lived about 7 lifetimes already," he said jokingly.

I beamed at him. "Yeah, that Alice girl… I hate her guts, you know?" I said with an eyebrow raised.

"You poor… little baby," I mocked her, and gently ran my fingers through his hair, just like she did, only a tad slower. Fang barely laughed at this. We lay there for a while, his gaze not moving from my face for a second, while I didn't cease my fingers from going up and down his soft, black tresses.

"Say that again," he said suddenly.

I laughed quietly, "Say what?"

"Make fun of Alice." I felt a grin form in my face.

"You…poor little—" Fang moved his head closer and pecked my nose, then above my lip, the corner of my mouth after that. I felt him hesitate for a second, feeling his breath close, but he finally decided to put his lips on mine, holding my head close, putting his hand in the back of my neck. It was heaven, alright. We pulled apart and he said, "Corny, you say?"

"Very," I assured smiling widely.

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**Tehe:) I just HAD to put some Faxness in there.. Like I said, I'll be updating more often. And PLEASE REVIEWW!**

**I've gotten many notices telling me people have added this to their fav stories or subscribed to it, which I'm REALLY thankful for,**

**but please please pretty please review!:D **

**Okay, I'm done begging now:) Thanks for your time! Aaand, I might start a new story in a couple of weeks, so stay tuned;)**

**R&R?! :D**

**~Mrs. Fang**


	5. Freak Show

**Chapter 4 is here:) I'm lmao right now. watching scary movie 4, lol. So I typed this up really fast. I basically woke up to stick myself to my computer... at 4:00 p.m.**

**Don't you just love vacations? haahah. Hope you like it!**

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Edward's POV

It was 10 a.m. already, but anyone who didn't knew Forks well enough would've thought it was dawn, and not late morning. Since there was no sun, the atmosphere gray and shady.

"G-goodbye…" Emmett took in a deep breath, and gradually let go of Carlisle's embrace.

"I…I love you, man!" he exclaimed, still holding Carlisle's forearms.

I rolled my eyes. And we thought _he_ was the toughest one.

"Emmett… goodbye," Carlisle lamented. It was clear Emmett didn't want him to go. What a… daddy's boy! "Daaaaad! Don't leave!" he whined.

"Son, it's only _one_ week. I'll be back before you know it."

Carlisle patted Emmet's back and kissed Esme goodbye. The rest of us had said our farewells already.

"Goodbye, my children! Goodbye!" he screamed outrageously happy. "Goodbye!"

"OH MY GOD!" Jasper yelled. He ran to Carlisle's direction, and slammed the door in his face.

"I thought he'd never leave," he said relieved.

I turned to Fnick and Marlene, I wasn't surprised they look confused.

Esme let her hair bun loose, and let her mane flow down like in one of those L'OREAL commercials.

"Jasper…" she spoke seductively. "Let's go." Esme winked at him and they were off to our get-away cabin in less than 5 seconds, making sure of course, not to be spotted by Carlisle. I took in my surroundings. Rosalie was knitting sweaters for Fnick and Marlene. It had been a long time since she had done such a kind gesture for someone else. But if she got too attached, well that wouldn't be good. Alice was too distracted with Fnick to mind Jasper and Esme's runaway. Actually, she never did mind. Jasper seemed to be nothing more than a… accessory to her. And Emmett… my eyes rolled again. He was kneeled down behind the kitchen isle chewing on some celery, just like he did whenever he was depressed. The truth is that he loves vegetables, but only I know about his little secret. He noticed me looking, and pressed his index finger against his mouth, reminding me to keep quiet about his guilty pleasure. See why I needed Bella? I was bounded by nothing but freaks. Too bad I was a freak too. I took a look at Emmett once more. I shuddered, I was sure as hell I wasn't the creepiest though.

MAX'S POV.

So Fang and I decided we would complete our mission. We concluded that if we said no this, and gave up Faxness, it wouldn't even be worth it because Dobby would eventually find another way to threaten us. Meanwhile, we were staring in disbelief at the freak show around us. I wonder if they know how weird they are. And _Alice_! She was giving me a headache. She didn't even seem to notice what was happening. How her own mother ran away with her boyfriend. I laughed at the thought, I mean, if you put it that way, it's hilariously cliché. Now she was circling us, giving Fang a once over. Over and over again. Fang and I were holding hands. It was like being a lion's prey, in this case, Alice's pray.

"_And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," Edward murmured, looking into Bella's breath-taking brown eyes. Actually not so breath taking, since Edward didn't need to breathe._

" _What a stupid lamb," Bella sighed._

"_What a sick, masochistic lion," he replied._

I felt my eyebrows rise realizing the analogy Edward and Bella had made. _Ohhh, I get it,_ I thought.

Things were really falling into place lately. Being invited to the Cullen's house for a week—which means free food! YEAH!--, Fang and I are really good right now. Carlisle's gone, so that's one vampire less getting in our way to the "bloody jars". That's how Fang and I had named them last night. I know, it made me feel all British! And I had figured out the code to the "lion and lamb" talk. I don't think it really matters, but oh well, I should get points for that.

"So, you guys want to drop by at Bella's today?" Edward brought me back from my reverie.

He glanced around the room. "There's not much to do here, as you can see."

"Uhh, sure. We'd love to," I said. Actually we didn't love to. We'd rather stay here and look for the jars, but Fang and I thought if we were going to do this, we might as well have as much fun possible. That sounded wrong, having fun while killing someone. But you get the idea. Just before I began following Edward, Fang abruptly stopped me.

"Wait," he said. "We have to make a call, first." He gave me a warning look.

"_Oh_, right," I said, and turned to Edward. "Do you mind if we call our parents? Just to let them know we're okay."

Edward shrugged. "Er, yeah, sure."

It was time to call Dobby.

Ring… ring… "Hello?" I recognized Dobby's voice immediately. _Bam! Boom! Boom! _

"Iggy, Gazzilfred! You're going to stop bombing this place right now!" Gazzilfred? Dobby's naming people just got worse every time. I was glad JP named me before he had the chance. Poor Fang and Gazzy.

"Yes, Max? What seems to be the problem?"

"Listen to me, you immensely short, skinny disgusting creature!" I noticed Rosalie, Alice and Edward were listening, and they all raised an eyebrow. I was guessing it was because of what I just called my "parent."

"I mean… Dad," I corrected. I went upstairs with the wireless phone so they couldn't hear me.

"What is wrong, Maximum?"

"Okay, so we have some questions you need to answer for us. First—"

"Angel, stop trying to get into my mind! I will not order pizza for your washed up bear!"

"Her name's Celeste!" I heard from the other side of the line.

"Hmmm.. seems to me you need someone to control things over there?" I asked, examining my fingertips.

"No, no… Everything's perfectly fine!" Dobby said a little too excited.

"Okay, so…Why aren't they thirsty for our blood? And why doesn't Edward suspect anything about his enablement to read our minds? Answer them, go go go!"

"Ummm…" _Crack, Zip, Meoowww! _What the hell do they have in there?The noises were getting a bit random.

"Well, you smell like birds to them. Not only because you are bird kids, but because I casted a spell on you two, _eternalius perfumius birdzy smellius… _and he proceeded to recite a long list of words that ended with _ius. _"Okay, okay! Next question!" I'll scream at him for making me smell like bird some other time.

"Edward is technically not reading your mind. But actually, what the white coats implemented on your minds release a special message to mind readers that fools them and makes them believe they actually are reading your minds."

"And what is that special message?"

"Oh, it's 'I love cupcakes'" Oh, that explains Rosalie begging us to eat her cupcakes this morning for breakfast.

"Okay, see ya, Dobes."

_Crash_! "Bye, Maximum, and please do this get this over with as soon as possible!"

"Whatever," I finished off.

We got to Bella's house, and Edward dropped us off. He said he was going hunting and couldn't leave us alone at his house. So Bella would be our baby-sitter for the day. Awesome.

Bella's house was small, just the right amount of room for her and her dad to live in.

"Okaaaay!" She squealed. It was so annoying.

"Who wants to play Truth or Dare?" This was going to be a long day.

* * *

**If she ever reads this, I'd like to thank St. Fang of Boredom for writing chapter "Celery" in "Another Form of the Avian Bird Flu", it gave me a lot of ideas for this. Including the whole "Emmett being vegetarian" thing. And Esme and Jasper running away, I kinda liked the idea. lol. i love cupcakeessssss!:D R&R&R&R&R&R&&R?! please and thankyouuuu! **


	6. Pop Culture

**Chapter 5 is here!! I'm not a big fan of any of the pop culture phenomenons in this fic... except Boys Like Girls and The Killers, my love goes to them:)**

**Bunches of thankyous to the people that have been reviewing! Hope you like this one :D**

* * *

I think I have never watched TV for so many consecutive hours.

"Why didn't you write me? Why?! It wasn't over for me. I waited for you for seven years… But now it's too late."

"I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day for a year!"

"You wrote me?"

"Yes… it wasn't over! It still isn't over!"

I looked from the corner of my eye to where Fang and Bella were sitting, each of them holding a tissue to their nose. Bella was on the other end of the couch, while Fang sat on the floor in front of us, knees folded up. Bella wiped a few tears, but Fang… he was crying his eyes out. Aren't these called _chick_ flicks?

"Fnick… Are you _crying_?"

"_What_?" he snorted. "I just… have something in my eye." Well, _that_ one never gets old, does it?

I chuckled. "_Right_," I said, rolling my eyes.

I was rewarded with Fang's glare, but I simply shrugged it away.

It had been indeed, a long day. We first played Truth or Dare, where Fang and I mostly chose Dare. We were put to swallow egg yolks, prank-call Jasper and Esme while they were on their runaway, Fang even ate a rat. But then again, that was no challenge as long as it was roasted. What are these few silly "dares" when you've lived homeless in self-maintenance for so many months? I'm sure Bella was impressed. Or scared. A few dares later, Bella came out of her room with colorful, glossy magazines. She made Fang and I take tests like:"What's your makeup color?" "Which Jonas Brother should you date?" and "What's your flower match?" In which my results were: blue, Frankie, and "you're actually the flower's thorn." Flattering.

Next, we watched a couple of sappy movies which names I don't recall. They were something like "Remember to walk" and "P.s... I Loathe You", not sure though. We're watching another one now, but the mushiness level in me has risen above the point my mind allows it to reach, that I just can't bear watching this anymore. My mind has drifted away into other thoughts.

Before I even notice, the chick flick's finally over. The three of us stood up to stretch after being curled up for so many hours. "Okay, kids…"Bella yawned, but seemed to pick up her energy quickly. A wide smile was already spread across her face, she clapped her hands quickly. She reminded me of London from "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" one of the few TV shows we had watched before these movies. "Let's get ready for the concert!"

Fang and I looked at each other in alarm the second she informed us. It was like we were asking each other for help with our eyes. "What concert?" we say in unison.

"Well," Bella picked up some dirty plates from the table, "We are going to see the smoakin' hot, high-pitched voiced, skinny-jeans-wearing…"

Skinny jeans, that definitely nailed it down. I needed no more clues to know who they were. Although, for the split second I had before Bella said their name, I begged God to not let it be who I think it is.

"The Jonas Brothers!" she screamed, like it was just the best news mankind could ever hear.

_Kill me,_ I thought. _Someone please , just please take me away._

"What? There's no way in hell I'm going to go see those fags!" Fang said, he sounded really pissed off now. Bella dropped the plates off in the sink.

"OH EM GEE, Fnick! You did _not_ just call them fags!" Bella argues.

Fang shifted his weight to his left hip, and crossed his arms.

"Oh, yes I did!" He gave Bella a patronizing onceover.

"Ugh! Whatevs, Fnick! You're still going!" Fang shrugged and turned his back on her with disdain.

My eyes could catch a glimpse of Fang mouthing "F U" once he was turned around.

"Come on, guys! I promised Edward I'd take care of you. This is the chance I have to prove to the Cullens I am a responsible adult who can be trusted," she was really serious. If her eyes could scream, they'd pleadingly scream for help.

"Please, I really need this to work out. And I've been so excited for this since God knows when, and I'm lucky enough two have two extra tickets for you too. A friend your age is coming, if that makes you feel any more comfortable."

"A friend _our_ age?" I ask suspiciously. Meeting people outside the flock, especially our age hasn't worked out so well. Shall I remind you of the red-head incident? Then there's Brigid, then Alice. God knows if this friend might end up hitting on Fang, too.

"Yeah, his name's Jacob," Bella affirms.

_His_ name is Jacob. He's not a girl, yes! I felt my lips grin.

"Perfect," I say. But Fang's eyes narrowed doubtfully.

"What?" I ask innocently.

"Oh… nothing," he replies, just as innocently as I spoke.

"Yay! Thank you! Okay so put these on," Bella orders. When my head jerks up to see her she already has four pairs of Ray ban sunglasses. She practically throws us each a pair and heads to the kitchen. I got the blue ones, Fang got the pink ones. He lowers his Ray bans down to the tip of his nose, and looks at me desperately.

"You wanna trade?" he suggests.

"No way, I don't want _pink_ on me."

"Max…" Oh, sod it.

"_Fine_, whatever," I snapped off my glasses and stretched them out to him. "Take them."

A doorbell echoed across the small house.

"That should be Jacob. Could you get that for me, Fnick?" Bella asked while washing the dishes.

Fang thrust the door open and—wow. I have to say, Fang and Jacob look strangely alike.

Their puzzled gazes came across. Fang trailed his eyes up and down Jacob, and vice versa.

"Uh, can I come in?" Jacob says impatiently. Fang just steps aside.

So Bella introduced us, and we were in her truck right now.

"Bella… isn't it odd that any band comes here to Forks? You know, given the smallness of the town and all," I ask.

"Oh, they're not. I mean they're not in Forks… they're in Port Angeles," she points out with a smile. Uh, big difference?

Fang and I spent the rest of the ride listening to Bella's beaten up truck burst out—or at least try to burst out--music by 3OH!3, The Killers, and Boys Like Girls, I felt my temples were about to explode.

"_Maximum, you need to focus_." Hmmm, long time no hear, I answered to the voice. But I didn't receive a single syllable in response.

The Voice had a point, though. How would going to a Jonas Brother concert help our mission? But I reminded myself of the pact Fang and I made, "have fun while it lasts." Although, this isn't fun at all. Anyway, I decided to give this music a chance,

**T-T-T-Tongues! Always pressed to your cheeks**

**While my tongue is on the inside of some other girl's teeth**

**T-Tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef,**

**THAT I'M A VEGETARIAN AND I AIN'T F—CKIN SCARED OF HIM!**

Or not**. **I swear to God, Jacob and Bella were certain they were part of a musical. Bella was driving, Fang next to her, then me, and at the other end of the seat was Jacob. If my ear suddenly began to bleed, I'd blame him for yelling every freaking song into my ear.

**She wants to touch me, whoa oh**

**She wants to love me, whoa oh**

**She'll never leave me, whoa oh**

**Whoa oh oh oh**

Bella shut her eyes, and sang like crazy.

"Bella, you're driving, open your eyes!" Fang commanded. "Do you want to freakin' kill us?!"

If Fang would have delayed his intervention, we'd be dead, if not injured by now. The truck was veering to its left, when another car sped through the lane in our left hand side, Fang put his arm on the wheel and stirred it to the right as much as possible, then somehow managed to center the car in our lane.

Several verses of profanity by 3OH!3 later, we were at the arena. It was like an invasion of screaming girls. An army of thousands of teenage chicks wearing Ray bans just like ours. Some wore wearing skinny jeans. Others who had backstage passes hanging from their neck wore mini shorts. There was a threesome of them who had pink wigs, and a galactic-like costume on. I heard someone tell those three that the comic-con was next door. There was a blond about my age, with tiny shorts that barely covered her behind, her hair was tied up in loose bun, she wore stringy flip flops and a green t-shirt that read Taylor + Nick = LOVE. Then I spotted a guy next to her, he looked older, about 19. He was extremely good looking, if I didn't know any better I'd think he was… wait… maybe he _is_ an eraser. He noticed me looking, damn it. He grinned and came up to me cooly. "Hey," he nodded. Bella, who was next to me nudged me as if saying "go for it.

* * *

**Can anybody guess what the movie was at the beginning? And which other two did Max mean, but didn't get their names right? lol. And what song were they singing along to? I'll review one of your stories if you answer the three of them… NO GOOGLING! Okay?:D**

**So just a few days ago I was discussing with one of my friends about the Jonas Brothers and how they are extremely overrated. That's just my opinion, and everybody is entitled to one, am I right? So if there's any crazy Jonas fan reading this… sorry :P And then I thought, hey! How crazy would it be if Fax went to a JB concert? Would they be as desperate as me? Hell yeah:D**

**If you liked this please pretty please REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!**

**Btw, would you like that dude to be an eraser, or to actually be hitting on Max? Let me know in your reviews! Thanks a lot:D**

**~Mrs. Fang**


	7. Run, Sam! Run!

**I am SO sorry you guys:( I know it's been ages since I even touched this story, but this chapter is very, very long, probably the longest in this story, so it will hopefully make it up to you. Again, I'm really sorry! But I already started Chapter 7! So it wont take long for me to post it in here… Keep reading!:D thank you so so much for the reviews! I promise you I'll pick up my slack and begin writing faster..**

**So here's chapter 6- Enjoy!**

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But I wasn't thinking about "going for it" or not. What I was really wondering was what the hell would a 19 year old good looking dude was doing at a Jonas Brothers concert. Maybe he came with his girlf—oh, wait, if he did come with his girlfriend he probably wouldn't be talking to me right now. Perhaps the girl in the green shirt was her little sister. Anyway, what do I care?

"Uh…" Wait, I've seen him before, I'm so sure I've seen this face, but there's something different about it. Wow, I just loved how the tips of his hair landed on his eyebrows. I felt my chest rise as I recognized him. His features, his brown eyes and handsome smile. Sam. "Hi," I finally answered.

Oh. My. God. It's him, just all grown up. He _is_ an eraser. There's no way he could've gotten this… _big_ in such a short amount of time. He's outstretched face was proof.

"_Sam_? Is that _you_?!" His smile grew.

"Yup, it's me." He opened his arms wide for a hug. I hesitated but found myself giving in to his embrace. I broke away quickly. "It's so good to see—" I heard someone cough behind my back. Oops… Fang. I quickly stepped back and pulled Fang in to our conversation.

"You remember Nick, don't you?"

"You mean Fnick?" Bella corrected.

"Uh, yeah, yeah whatever…" I pushed her face back gently with my palm.

"Hey, man," Fang saluted Sam. They punched fists together. I had to warn Fang somehow.

"Umm, this is Bella," I pushed her toward Sam. "And this is Jacob. Guys, this is Sam. He's… a friend," I finished with an insecure grin. "Why don't you get to know each other for a while? I've got to tell Fnick about, uh… a thing." I took Fang by the arm and pulled him to a side, where none of these people would hear us. Sam was talking to Bella and Jacob, but he did not take his eyes off me for a second.

"Fang! It's Sam!"

"No!" He covered his now O-shaped mouth with his hand. "Are you serious? If you didn't tell me, I think I'd never know!"

"Oh, cut the sarcasm, Fang."

"Oh, sorry to be a bother, but there's Sam if you want a kiss for comfort." I punched him hard in the arm. He let out a soft moan.

"Shut up. Listen, I think he's an Eraser. Actually, I don't think so. I know so. Have you seen his face closely? It's as unevenly stretched as any other Eraser's."

"Well, actually I've kind of avoided looking at his face. Probably why I didn't notice. So, what should we do then?"

I crossed my arms across my chest and smirked. "What we always do." Fang seemed apprehensive.

"Come on," I said.

We walked over to the crowd we left behind.

"So…" I gave Sam my best smile. "How's the school? Do they still have white coats? They should change their color. White is definitely not a color for all seasons you know?"

He gave me a defying smile. "W—" Sam didn't have time to answer. I quickly punched him right in between his ribs, making him let out an exasperating groan.

Jacob and Bella let out a huge gasp. "Whoa! Marlene! Not cool, man," Jacob said.

Sam was still groaning when he said, "Marlene? That's not her—" Fang hit him this time. Hard. In the crotch… ouch.

"Oww! What was that for?" Sam complained. "Whatever, there's more where I came from."

Out of nowhere, about 50 other Erasers popped out. I was _so_ used to this. Their evil grins as they walk onto us, hungry for kicking our skinny behinds. By now, most of the squealing fans were already in their seats. The extremely wide halls were almost deserted. Only we four and the Erasers were wandering around in here.

"Can I help you—Oww!" I saw a security guard slam right into the floor after an Eraser banged him hard in the head.

"Max… there's no way. They're too many," Fang said. Think, Max, come on. This is when brilliant ideas strike you; this would be a good time. Voice? Nowhere to be found, thank-you-very-much.

I turned to Bella and Jacob who had the most confused, yet frightened expressions I'd _ever_ seen.

"Bella?" I called.

"Yes?" her voice was nervous.

"Call Edward. Call the whole coven."

Fang and I beat down as many erasers as possible, but the more we were done with, the more there appeared to be. I was doing my thing kicking and punching here and there. When something hard took my feet and slammed me face down against the floor. "Ugh!" I moaned in pain. Whoever took me down was now on top of me, sitting on my back, each leg on each side of my body. He turned me around and I made sure of looking at his face. It was Sam. "Say Max…" he spoke teasingly. "Remember that hot make out session we had outside your house? Those were the days, huh?" I shook my body hard and managed to free my arm from his legs' grip. My palm swung from the floor, and it was now heading to his cheek. But as sudden as I did this, he stopped my hand from following its path.

"Don't do that, you don't want to hurt yourself…" he stared disgusted at the bruises I formed. "More," he added. Sam took my arms and straightened them upwards, then gently ran his palms up and down them. "Get off me, you asshole! Ughhhh!" It's like I was talking to the walls. Actually talking to the ceiling, since it was what I was really facing. He was so heavy; I could never take him off me by myself.

I turned to Fang who was just as hurt and bruised as I was. He looked back at me, concern written all over his face. I noticed he tried to run over to us, but each time he tried to make a step, an Eraser got in the way.

"It's a shame, you know… that you didn't get into that closet with me last time," Sam grinned.

"We could've had some fun."

Remember how we ate rats and rabbit and all kinds of weird animals in the forests? Well, not even _that_ was as gross as this kid. I decided to ignore him. I would not show him that he'd gotten to me. I took deep breaths trying to relax and think straight. Suddenly I felt a huge weight being removed on top off me, making my breathing easier. I turned to my left, where now Sam and Fang were having a rough fist fight. Of course, Fang was winning this one. This reminded me of Fang and Ari's fight at the beach. It was because of me. This fight was because of me. Again. Fang must be tired of skirmishing like this for me. I wouldn't be the kidnapped mistress this time. I wouldn't allow it. Just as I got revved up to launch myself between Fang and Sam, a hand—hard as rock—wrapped around my arm and stopped me. I turned around madly to meet Edward's gaze.

"Don't go in there," he ordered. His face was hard and tense. He didn't think twice before stepping between my bird kid partner and the pervert eraser. In a matter of seconds, Sam was already flown away by Edward across the arena. I looked behind me to see the many erasers being literally broken into pieces by the Cullens. There were arms and legs flying here and there. Beautiful, yet repulsive. As soon as Fang broke apart from Sam he rushed to me and wrapped his arms around me. He was panting, so, so tired. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry I let that happen, he probably traumatized you, and… and, you'll have to go to therapy! And then you'll—"

"Fang!" I laughed at his exaggeration. "I'm okay! It's not like he raped me or anything." I shrugged and rolled my eyes. "Big deal, Fnick!"

An eraser's shirt was thrown above us and Fang flew to get it. Ah, good one, Fang.

"I need a new shirt," he beamed.

"Yeah, good thing you got it. Now, Fang…" I put my arm around his shoulder. "How will we explain these people that you just flew and caught that shirt!" I pointed to Bella, Jacob, Alice and Emmett who saw the whole thing. Their faces… it was priceless.  
"Woops."

"Yeah," I rolled my eyes. "Woops."

From the corner of my eye, I caught three erasers sneaking out through a door. Fang and I instantly matched thoughts and went after them. I noticed Edward and Jasper follow. It turns out that the whole concert was behind that door. You have no idea how it was in there. Piercing screams that I was certain had damaged my eardrums rang across the arena. Girls were crying all over the place. _Who died_? I thought.

I spotted the erasers run down the stairs and raced after them, but damn, they were fast. I hesitated, but took out my wings and soared my way to them. Flying in public stadiums now seemed a habit. Needless to say how many Ooo's and Aaa's were voiced. We definitely took all of these faggy Jonas Brother's attention. I turned to look at them and chuckled to myself. This felt great. But that second I took my eyes off the erasers, I couldn't find them anymore. The band kept playing but the threesome of brothers stopped singing. Fang and I got on ground level and began running looking for our enemies. I was leading, Fang behind me, then Edward, and finally Jasper.

"There!" Fang shouted. He pointed to the guys who were controlling the tech stuff below the stage. Three of them turned around, and yes, it was them. We sprinted towards them while Jonas Brothers kept singing trying to make a point out of the phrase "the show must go on." Fang took one, Edward another and Jasper held the only one that was left. They all held their "prey" out like they were some product they were selling, showing their faces to me.

"Will you do the honors?" Edward asked. Aww, that was so sweet. Fang, Edward, and Jasper—with a satisfied grin on their faces--waited for me to finish the erasers off myself.

I winked at them. "I have a better idea."

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**I've just always wanted Sam to reappear in a story, so I decided to squeeze him in here :) lol. I know the story's getting a bit serious, but really, the more "silly" I try to make it, the less direction it has. But I'll try to make it funnier from now on:D Did you like it? Please pretty please Reviewwwwwwww!**

**I'd be eternally thankful:D Thanks so much for taking your time to read this even though It took so long for this to come up. You have no idea how much I appreciate it READ&REVIEW! R&R&R&R&R&R&R&R&R&R!**


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